100 Best Christmas Cracker Jokes Illustrated

Christmas cracker jokes are the Christmas tradition you love to cringe with. From eye-rolls to hysterical laughter, they are a vital part of the Christmas dinner, so I thought of rounding up the top 100 Christmas cracker jokes (or, let’s be honest, Christmas dad jokes).

Feel free to comment with your favourite ones!

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Also, for reference, here is a list with the jokes:

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

Claustrophobia!

 

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

 

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can ‘ho ho ho’!

 

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

 

Why did Santa’s helper see the doctor?


Because he had a low “elf” esteem!

 

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?


He got 25 days!

 

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?


A Holly Davidson!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
 

A Christmas Quacker!

 

What is the best Christmas present in the world?


A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!

 

How did Scrooge win the football game?


The ghost of Christmas passed!

 

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?


Santa Jaws

 

Who is Santa’s favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

 

What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?


The elf-abet!

 

What did Santa say to the smoker? 

Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!

 

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?


Horn-aments!

 

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?


They always drop their needles!

 

Did Rudolph go to school?

No. He was Elf-taught!

 

Why did the turkey join the band?


Because it had the drumsticks!

 

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


Frostbite!

 

What do snowmen wear on their heads?


Ice caps!

 

How do snowmen get around?


They ride an icicle!

 

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy!

 

What do you call a cat in the desert?


Sandy Claws!

 

What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?


It’s Christmas, Eve!

 

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?


  1. There’s “no EL”!

 

What carol is heard in the desert?


O camel ye faithful!

 

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?


Cross Mouse Cards!

 

What athlete is warmest in winter?
 

A long jumper!

 

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?


Tinsilitis!

 

What’s the most popular Christmas wine?


‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts!’

 

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?


Nice gnawing you!

 

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?


Jingle Smells!

 

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

 

What’s green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?


Mistle-toad!

 

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?


Noël Coward!

 

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?


He has Santa claws!

 

What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we’ll go places!

 

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?

Because they were two deer!

 

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?

The One Show!

 

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker!

 

Why don’t you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

 

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?

Because their days are numbered!

 

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

Santa Clues!

 

What says Oh Oh Oh?

Santa walking backwards!

 

What is Santa’s favorite place to deliver presents?

Idaho-ho-ho!

 

What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses!

 

Where does Santa go when he’s sick?

To the elf centre!

 

Where do elves go to dance?

Christmas Balls!

 

What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?

An elfcicle!

 

What type of Shoes does Santa wear when he travels on a train?

Platforms!

 

What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?

Krisp Kringle!

 

Who is Santa Claus married to?

Mary Christmas!

 

Which of Santa’s reindeers have to mind their manners most?

Rude-olph!

 

What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?

Frosty the snowman with a hot flush!

 

What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears.

Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he wasn’t chicken!

 

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Iceburgers!

 

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad!

 

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!

 

What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?

You!

 

What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?

Your teeth!

 

Why don’t penguins fly?

Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!

 

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A wonky donkey!

 

-Knock Knock

-Who’s there?

-Snow

-Snow who?

-Snow business like show business!

 

-Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

-Santa: I seem to have a mince pie stuck up my bottom!

-Doctor: Well your in luck because I’ve got just the cream for that!

 

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

He was picking his nose

 

What does Father Christmas do when his elves misbehave?

He gives them the sack

 

What do snowmen have for breakfast?

Snowflakes

 

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?

One day my prints will come

 

What do you give a dog for Christmas?

A mobile bone

 

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with

 

What do you call a blind reindeer?

No eye deer

 

How do you know if Santa’s been in your garden shed?

You’ve got three extra hoes

 

Mary and Joseph – now they had a stable relationship.

 

Why did Rudolph the reindeer have the complete works of Shakespeare on his top lip?

Because his nose was well read.

 

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?

When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.

 

I told my Granddad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping.

He phoned me two days later from Brazil.

 

What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine?

This will sleigh you.

 

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

 

How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey?

On the dark side.

 

 Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney?

He was coming down with the flue.

 

 Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

 

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?

One that’s deep pan, crisp and even.

 

What did the snowman say to the angry carrot?  

Get out of my face!

 

What happened when Santa’s sons told him they were gay?

The Claus came out.

 

What do you call Rudolph when he wears ear mufflers?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you!

 

Who is Santa afraid of?

The elf and safety officer.

 

Why is a foot a good Christmas present?

Because it is a stocking filler.

 

What is white and goes up?

A confused snowflake

 

What’s tall and wobbly and stands in the middle of Paris?

The Triffle Tower

 

What kind of paper likes music?

Rapping paper

 

What do sheep say at Christmas?

Merry Christmas to Ewe

 

What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents?

Silent night

 

What is Santa’s favourite pizza?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even

 

What’s the slogan for the Eskimo lottery?

You have got to be Inuit to win you it

 

who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

Samson because he brought the house down

 

What do you call a snowman in the summer?

A puddle

 

What do lions sing at Christmas?

Jungle bells!

 

Two snowmen were standing in a field. One said, ‘Can you smell carrots?’

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he wasn’t chicken.

 

Who delivers presents to cats?

Santa paws

 

I sourced the backgrounds from Freepick

 

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