The anatomy of a heartbreak

Some endings don’t end things. They merely put them on pause. They put it on ice. But ice melts.
This is a hard post to write, but I will because I want to make sense of it.
I told you about meeting someone that excited me after F* and told you how it went and how it ended. I told you how something else started. Now it is time to tell you the rest.
I never gave him an initial as I did with F* and B*.
We broke up amicably – well, as amicably as you can. I cried in a street corner for a while, got myself together and moved on. We kept speaking for a bit, then bumped into each other a couple of times (both times I felt like my heart sank so deep into the ground that it reached China and was still sinking) but nothing more happened. I started seeing C*, a man that was perfect in every aspect. Devilishly handsome with a suave manner, a good job and a stable character that was showing me how much he liked me from day 1. My mind started going towards C* and get further away from him.
Then one day he texted me. He was sad and needed to talk. So we talked. I heard a little knock from where my heart is but I ignored it. I will not open this door.
We kept talking after that. On text, on the phone, we met for lunch. There were a couple of hugs that lingered a bit too long. I didn’t want him to think I was the ex that hadn’t moved on and could not be a friend. Because I had and I could. Hadn’t I? Couldn’t I?
C* was developing feelings for me and I was developing feelings for him but I was worried the pace was not the same and I was afraid it was because my heart had not fully moved on. I didn’t want to hurt him. He deserved better – well, he deserved someone that would offer him what he deserved. I could not at that point.
So, we met and I told him, and I cried my eyes out because deep down I knew it was a mistake. But it was a mistake I had to make. He asked me if I was thinking of getting back together with my ex. I said I wouldn’t want to. He said that this is not the same as no. I felt angry at myself.
Saturday night I get a text from my ex and he says come over. I was out, I was tipsy, I was away; I was missing him. I said yes. I took an Uber, met him outside of him apartment and my heart melted when I saw him. Some mistakes feel so good.
We kissed with the force of a thousand suns and the softness of a thousand moons, we said words of love and I slept next to his naked body truly happy. We woke up, spent the morning tangled up with each other and went out only when the sun had set and our bellies hurt. We ate and said goodbye.
We kept talking. We saw each other for lunch. We kissed. And then I knew. I wanted to be with him. I was ready. I was in love with him. I was scared from it, but I didn’t care. I wanted to know.
So, we met and I told him. I am ready and I know I wasn’t before but now I am. I want to be with you. This is where I am, and I would like to know if you are at the same point.
I am not.
What came after that is an explanation of why and a reasoning of why he won’t be. He had good reasons and I cannot fault him for that. This is not about blame.
In the end, he was just not that into me – I put my heart on the line and well, I had to take it back a bit battered. Do I regret it? No.
We kept talking as friends. But every message was more painful than the other. I could not be his friend now. I was in love with him and I could not move on. So we met up again and I told him we could not speak. Of course we kept talking for a few days after until I sent him a text saying I have to stick to that decision.
We have not spoken in more that 3 weeks. In this time I had my birthday, had 2 wisdom teeth out, am in the process of moving houses and taking some major life decisions. I miss him a lot. But I know it will get better. It did with F*. So it will with him.
I want him in my life. I don’t know why, but I do. So, I would like to think that we can become friends. Time will tell.

Love,

G

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

  

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