I started dating again. I put on a crisp white shirt, my favourite jeans and my black Doc Martens, sprayed my wrist and neck with Egoiste by Chanel, got my keys, my wallet, made my way to the door and as my hand touched the handle my feet stopped. I stopped. Everything stopped apart from my heart that was beating faster than before, feeling bluer than before, wiser than before, ok with not being ready yet still trying it, giving it a shot, giving moving forward a shot.
I felt as if by walking out of that door I was leaving something behind it. I was leaving part of the hurt behind and in the weirdest way this made me sad because hurting was something that I related to him and now that would not be there. It freed up space for something else. Potentially more hurt; potentially an open door for someone else to walk in. My happiness does not depend on that – it just allows it to have a chance.
‘I’m gonna leave the past behind
I’ve had enough, I’m breaking free
No pressing stop, erase, rewind
That chain of thought that followed me
I’ve put my money where my mouth is
For the first time in my life
I’ve made mistakes but I believe that
Everything was worth the fight
Cause in the end, the road is long
But only cause it makes you strong
It’s filled with peaks & twists & turns
Sometimes you have to learn forget about it’
Let’s take a chance. Let’s do this.
Lyrics from Marina’s website.