Today is the day after my heart broke. The pain is unbearable, and writing this hurts, but I need to do it. I need to get these feelings out of me.
We went out with some of his friends a few nights ago and it was a great evening. We laughed, drunk, cuddled and kissed as always, so when it was time to go home I said goodnight and left. I texted him from home, and he texted back. I thought his reply was a bit colder than usual, but I did not make anything of it.
Then for the next couple of days nothing. I did not hear anything from him. I started worrying, so I asked him to meet up.
So we met, grabbed a coffee, and we walked as a light drizzle started. We found a place that was shielded from trees, we sat down, and as I started talking, I could see that he had something to say, so I asked him to say it; he did. It was not working out. I am great, I am just not the one for him. We talked some more, we cried, hugged, and walked back to the station. We hugged one last time, and he did this thing he does when he hugs me, and he smelled like him, and this was my undoing, because from the moment I left until now I cannot stop crying.
I am in so much pain right now.
If I had known that the last time I woke up in his bed would be the last, I would have stolen a few more minutes. If I knew our last kiss would have been the last, I would have kissed him longer, held on to him and pray that time would stop, because it didn’t, and it passed, and now I will not have that again, and this hurts, it hurts so much that I feel as if my heart is being ripped out, as if all the things I miss about him already and will miss in the future are pushing the tears out and my eyes will never be dry again.
I will miss his voice, when he was speaking about history, when he was singing Disney songs, when he was telling me goodnight in bed.
I will miss feeling his heartbeat when we cuddled in bed before falling asleep, and his breathing as he was relaxing, or his snoring as he felt safe to fall in a deeper slumber.
I will miss his eyes when he got sleepy, or when he just woke up.
I will miss how if we were with a crowd, I would turn and he would be looking at me, blowing me a kiss, making me feel safe.
I will miss how he made breakfast or cooked dinner, making everything look easy, getting me peanut butter even though he doesn’t eat it, just because I like it – yes, it is a small gesture, but that little jar meant the world to me.
I will miss getting butterflies in my belly every time I was about to meet him, and how seeing his from afar made me relaxed and nervous at the same time.
Most of all, I will miss how happy he made me feel, how a text from him made me smile, how the thought of him was enough to make every cell in my body truly, stupidly, totally genuinely happy.
I loved him.
I know I will be ok, but right now I am not. I feel as if the day got silent, as if someone stole the music from it, drained the life from it, and the pain, this unbearable pain of missing all these things that make him him, is all that is left.
They say, don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened. Well, I am grateful, but I am also unbearably heartbroken; and that is ok.