You know when you try, and try, and then try some more? When your head is so used to tension headaches that a stress-free moment feels so unusual? When the last thought that crosses your mind before you sleep is the thought that starts your morning, even before you are awake?
That is what happened in the last two weeks; a project completely overtook my everyday; my train of thoughts only carried this specific task, and when in the end all of this preparation amounted to nothing, I just stood there, mouth half open, eyes wide open, a sense of disbelief and sadness flooding in.
Not necessarily because it did not happen; but because all this effort was in vain. Having another project coming up meant having to pick myself up, and with a stiff upper lip, keep performing.
But the weekend came, and you know what? I allowed myself to get sad; I embraced the whole sinking sensation that comes with being disappointed; I did not aim to be productive: I slept for 15 hours from Friday to Saturday, woke up,had a lazy day in, drinking lukewarm chocolate milk and dunking iced buns in it, watching re-runs of the Big Bang Theory and feeling the weight of the duvet pinning me on the sofa. By the early afternoon, the soles of my feet felt restless.
You see, I really think that when moments come where things do not get your way even though you tried really hard, moments that bring disappointment, leave you disheartened, times that truly, really, totally and utterly suck, it is crucial to stay in the moment, acknowledge how deflating it is, and only after this moment is over, move on.
There are moments that are lost on the everyday, both positive and negative, that are so small yet so monumental in their own little way that it is worth to take some time to see how they made you a better person, wiser, stronger, or well, more grounded.
After the second episode of Scrubs, I got up, in the shower, out of the door, and into the cold, the sunshine, the world that holds so much beauty and so much pain, and so many more moments to be lived, and noticed, and remembered.
Deep breath in; first step; the rest will follow.