I usually write my posts in cafés, on my ipad, with coffee in a paper cup and a cheeky slice of cheesecake on the side. But not this one; this one is different.
I am at home, listening to a Joyful Noise by Gossip, drinking a cup of lukewarm liquorice tea out of a chipped pale yellow mug. I have my laptop on my lap, my feet dangling from my window, stepping on a blue and pink sky.
So here I am, with all the answers. Today has been a challenging day, and I feel like sharing.
Earlier this month, I had to deal with two deaths in my family. Irvin Yalom said that the thought of death is an ‘awakening moment’, as life’s alarm clock. Realizing that we are mortal wakes us up; and losing two people in the space of 2 weeks is a rather loud wake up call.
I don’t know how I cope with the thought of death. My grandmother died 4 years ago, and it is something I don’t think I have processed completely. I don’t remember why i didn’t go to her funeral; distance, coursework, denial. One day I was walking, and I saw someone that looked like her; I turned the corner, buried my face in my hands and cried for 20 minutes. I am dreading the moment I get a call about my other grandmother. I think I dread the thought of death, its consequences to others, the finality of it, the normality of it.
I had to go to Greece for the funerals, hence the being Greek post. I cried in both funerals. On the plane home, I was reading gossip magazines and eating Maltesers. Life seems so surreal sometimes.
So, I came back to London. I swapped my T-shirt and flipflops for a coat and an umbrella, walked down streets taking pictures of corner shops and having icecream in the rain.
I am working part time, and doing a part time internship in a magazine as well. So, in one of my internship days, I was preparing a file, when I heard a ringing sound. An alarm bell that I had been ignoring for some time. An awakening moment that stayed dormant as I kept pressing the snooze button. So, I decided to listen to the sound, wake up, open my eyes and see what is out there. What do I want to be spending my time on? And I knew.
Through a truly lovely person, I found an opportunity in one of my favorite magazines as an intern. In addition to that, I found some freelance work to an amazing up-and-coming fashion brand. Cue anxiety. This was becoming real. Do I quit my job to pursue a full time internship and freelance work? Leave what is certain for a possibility? Do I dive in or keep floating?
There was a moment in me, where I had to choose: do I follow my heart, or do I do what is right? I spent five days thinking about it. My head felt like a televised political debate: on the left, my carefree do-what-you-like self was urging me to leave as fast as I can, start pursuing my goals at this moment-seize the day! On the right, my suited-and-booted self was looking at me in disbelief, in awe of how immature I was being, leaving a certain job to chase a dream. The television set was running all day, and I found myself going through the motions, smiling mechanically as I was contemplating who would win the elections. What would my choice be? On the fifth day I woke up, and I knew.
I quit. I walked in my part-time, steady job, and I quit. I made a decision, and trust me it was really hard. In the end, I followed my heart, and did what was right; what was right for me.
But quitting suddenly and in an unfortunate time causes ripples, and sometimes this might blur the image underneath. Since then, and for a variety of reasons (mostly personal), these ripples have been intensified, and it has been progressively harder to move on. Today was one of these day. I still have two days left at this job; I feel like I already left, like I am not a part of it anymore- maybe because it stopped being a part of me. And in its place something else, excitement mixed with another feeling -fear?
I have this internal fear of moving on. What will happen if I don’t get a permanent job after the three month internship? What will happen if I suck at it? What will happen if the freelance work stops? What happens when you are within touching distance of your dream and it feels too good to be true?
I am taking a chance. I am diving head first; and it feels right. I need to do it, because I can not keep wondering, asking myself when my dreams will take form. Dreams don’t come true by themselves, you have to work hard, pursue and persevere.
And that I will.
It is now dark, and my tea is cold. I hop into the living room, and turn up the volume on my iPod dock. Beth Ditto says she is in The Right Direction; and so am I.
Thank you for being a part of my journey,