I find myself in a dark alley, holding the phone closely to my ear, massaging the point between my eyebrows. It is freezing cold, and my tears are making their way to the corners of my mouth, as I am trying to stop my voice from breaking.
I feel exhausted; I am fed up with seeing people that I don’t really like more than the ones I do; I miss having real fun without worrying. I miss my family. I am tired of people smiling like they mean it; people not being honest; people being too honest; I am tired.
I spent the day listening to Elbow, drinking lukewarm tea and crying. After taking a hot shower and putting on comfortable clothes, I made my way out of the house, towards my favourite coffee shop; and it was then that I decided to call my dad to tell him I miss him.
You see, living away from my family is a small thorn on my paws, small enough to be unnoticeable, but an inevitable pain when my feet hit the ground.
It always makes an incomparable impact hearing your dad saying that it will all be ok. It makes your shoulders go down, and you feel yourself breathing a bit deeper, a bit easier. And the moment I did, all this stress turned into tears.
After hanging up, I kept walking, allowing my tears to dry on my face, puffy and full of recovered sadness. with Fredrika Stahl’s voice on my earphones, I passed the trees with the fairy lights and the crowded pubs, got in the Book Warehouse near Waterloo station, browsed around, found the lowest-brow book in store and bought it.
I am now sitting in Costa, drinking my Creme brûlée latte, and having my classic mini-muffins. I am happy I allowed myself the space to feel sad. I am glad I was looking at the stars instead of the water when everything was flooding around me.
There is something magnificent about truly embracing a sad feeling, and not shrugging it away; and yes, you can change it, fix it, improve it, destroy or evolve it; but allow yourself to feel it first. This feeling is telling you something about yourself; listen to it.